Whae nettled the teacher?

My father met Dick Phillipson in a pub and persuaded him to help us out on our small hill farm. He was already in his 60s but he had a tractor and we didn't. Over the years he was a regular visitor and I learnt a lot about hill farming from him.

Dick seemed to have lead an interesting life, a local historian's dream since he had been one of the last of the lead miners working in the Cumbria and Northumberland lead mines. He was the only person I knew who habitually wore wooden clogs rather than the all pervasive wellie. At lunchtime we would retire inside our ancient farmhouse (It's now a Buddhist monastery) and Dick was always good for a story.

When I was a lad and gannin ter school I wer alus in trouble and often used ter get the belt or the cane from the teacher. I think I got it most days and was quite used ter it. There was one day he give it to me real bad though an it hurt fer once so I decided ter get me own back.

At playtime the teacher used ter alus gan ter the nettie. We didn't have these flush toilets, ours wer the ald earth closets, like the one ye have here. Well I waited until I heared him gruntin then quietly moved the stone away and tickled his arse wi' a geet bunch of nettles and ran. I remember ter this day the yell he lit oot!

I would ha got away wi' it but yin of the girls saw me and teld him whae nettled him. He laid into me real bad that time an said he would speak ter me father.

Aal the way home I was afeard aboot that an when I saw him drivin past with a geet smirk on his face I knew he had done it. I was alus more afeard of whit me dad would dee than of the teacher's cane. I divn't think I ever took longer te get home than I did that day.

When I got in the yard me dad was waitin of me wi his belt in his hand. "Dick" he yells "Git theeself in here sharpish"

I was afeered I were really for it but when I got in he jest said "Now then lad. Whae nettled the teachers arse then?" and burst out laughing.

Of course that gave me the idea and my elder sister became the nettle's next victim while I became the only 9 year old at school with a bald patch - but that's another story.

What a Con!+

Con 1 - The BNP Doctor

It's election time for the EEC parliament and today I got a mailshot promoting the British National Party. On it there's a picture of a doctor with the following quite next to it:

"I'm voting BNP because I see what immigration has done to the NHS. As a Doctor I want to see an end to 'health tourists' and to make sure British nurses are employed and paid fairly."

"I'm sure Ive seen that doctor before," I thought and looked up 'doctor' in Google Images. Sure enough there he was as the second picture found. Now it's just vaguely possible that this doctor in the picture supports the BNP but if so why is he also a member of the New Hampshire Prostate Cancer Coalition on the other side of the Atlantic?

The BNP have used a stock image from iStockphoto.com on their leaflet. The cynic in me believes they probably couldn't find a doctor willing to make such a stupid quote since the UK National Health Service would collapse if it were not for all the immigrant doctors and nurses it employs. If they could find a doctor to support them then I could understand his/her reluctance to allow their picture to be used on a BNP promotion - it would be career suicide!

Now maybe it's naive of me to expect honesty and openness from a politician but this sort of thing on a leaflet isn't likely to get my vote. One last word of advice for the BNP - learn the rules of grammar regarding capitalisation of words such as 'Doctor'. It's not a name or in this case a title or sentence beginning.

Con 2 - Sky Satellite Box 'Protection' deal

Every couple of weeks I get a phone call or mailshot from Sky telling me that the Sky satellite box I have is now out of warranty and that I can take out a protection plan for just £6.45 per month or £77.50 per year. A good deal? Maybe not!

In the UK we have a little thing called 'The sale & Supply of Goods to Consumers Regulations 2002' which states we have the right to choose repair, replacement, partial or full refund, or compensation if a fault appears within 6 years (5 years+ in Scotland)and it is reasonable for goods to last that long. That 1 year warranty that 'has expired' has no legal standing! I find a Sky box will fail in it's first 2-3 months or will just keep on working.

Of course the Sky Protection policy does cover your box against accidental damage - but doesn't household contents insurance cover that too? All in all, Sky just seem to want us to pay an extra £77.50 for nothing at all and that makes it Con 2 in my list.

How to get your web pages noticed

Many brilliant web pages go unnoticed because search engines simply have not 'discovered them' or your page is listed hopelessly far down the search results. So what can you do about it? Here's my recommendations.

First the content - Obviously it has to be something other people want to read! Once you've produced it however; rather than a huge single page you need to break your content down into at least 4 pages produced using a template so that they have a similar appearance and common links to each other. Promote each page as follows:

• Make sure each page has a suitable descriptive title which a user might search for - NOT 'Home page', 'Welcome' or the like. For example in my tutorial about creating a Java animated waterfall I produced pages titled 'Creating a Java animated Waterfall (Lake Applet)', 'Getting waterfall speed and source image right', 'Putting the Java Waterfall together' and 'A Java Animated Waterfall'
• Give each page headings and sub headings using the <h1>,<h2> or <h3> tags. If the <h1> tag isn't the correct style for your page remember you can change it locally using CSS.
  (e.g. instead of using <h1>[Your Page Title]</h1> you can use <h1 style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:28px">[Your Page Title]</h1>
• Meta tags, in the header of your page, are not as important as they used to be but are still worth adding.
  You need a <meta name="description" content="[Put a short description of the page here]"> Make sure the description includes any keywords a user might search for.
  You need a <meta name="keywords" content="[Put a comma separated list of keywords on the page here]"> Make sure your page mentions each keyword used at least twice. More is better but avoid meaningless repetition which might get your pages blocked!
• Install Google Analytics on your site. http://www.google.com/analytics/
• Create and submit an xml sitemap to Google Webmaster Central. There's a shareware download available for a program which will do this all for you - 'A1 Sitemap generator' at http://www.microsystools.com/products/sitemap-generator/. Use it to generate an xml sitemap and “robots.txt” file. Upload these and 'ping' Google and other search engines to tell them about it. You can use A1 Sitemap Generator free for 30 days without restrictions. ($49 if you wish to continue using it)
  
• Link to the site from any other websites you own.
• Get someone to visit the site and tag it with Stumble Upon / Digg and other such social bookmarking sites. Since this will probably be a 'new discovery' they should add a comment on it. If you can't get a friend to do this then visit it yourself - preferably NOT from your own computer - try one at a local library.
• Find a forum relevant to your site and post there, put the URL in a link. Submit the page to Stumble Upon / Digg etc.
• Set up an account with Blogspot (owned by Google). Make a post about your site's content and include a link to your site. Yes - you're right - I just did it and here's another link to a free genealogy HTML pedigree template page I produced also.
  

Electric Blanket Safety - Morphy Richards Winterwarm

I'm making this post because of a disturbing safety issue which I feel there should be a record on the Web about. It could have killed us!

A few days ago, just after the alarm went off to wake us up, my wife leapt up in bed, pulled the sheet off the mattress and frantically reached for the power switch to switch off our double size, Morphy Richards Winterwarm electric underblanket. At the same time there was the unmistakable smell of burning.

She'd turned over in bed and seen a red glow through the sheet and heard sizzling.

Here's what we found on turning over the blanket corner:

This electric blanket has a removable plug which allows the blanket to be washed. Just where the cable enters the plug it had burnt through and was busy burning a hole in the blanket itself and, given time, would have set fire to the sheet and mattress.

I did a little research and discovered in the UK alone in 2008 there were 1,000 housefires attributed to faulty electric blankets. 20 people were killed and 250 were injured. Checking further revealed that 99% of these fires were caused by blankets over ten years old.

This electric blanket was just 9 months old! It had never been washed, had not been moved and the cable was in a position where it was not subject to any movement or stress. The fuse fitted to the blanket did not burn out.

I notified the manufacturer of the problem - and got an apparently 'concerned' reply but which ended 'We regret that we are unable to be of any further assistance with your enquiry and assure you of our best attention at all times.'

Argos, the supplier took my concern more seriously. They sent it away for tests and invited me to claim compensation for any damage caused.

In this case we were lucky, apart from a tiny scorch mark to mattress and sheet there was no injury or damage. We were awake when it happened; but what would have happened if it had failed at 3:00am when we were fast asleep? This has shaken my confidence in electric blankets and no matter what Morphy Richards say - I won't sleep with one switched on again.

Postscript
In all fairness to Morphy Richards I have to report that they contacted me again after apparently reading this blog. It seems that the Winterwarm range is exclusively supplied through Argos on the understanding that Argos deal with all following consumer contact. This was not made clear in Morphy Richards first e-mail. Morphy Richards are now apparently trying to locate the blanket for detailed assessment.
I bought two of these blankets though and as far as the second one is concerned - I can detect no sign of the same problem but have warned my son not to leave it on at night.

Danone - Should it be Damn One?

You must have seen the adverts for Danone products Activia Yogurt.

We buy the fig and date versions and decided to try the peach and vanilla versions also. What we didn't notice was the small text on the wrapper saying 'fat free yogurt with fruit, sugar and sweeteners'

Sweeteners in a so called 'healthy' product? Getting out a magnifying glass to read the 4 point text on the carton I checked to see just what sweetener was being used. In the Peach I found Aspartame and Acesulfame.

Now the Acesulfame is bad enough - it's only suspected of having 'significant doubt' as to its safety but what sort of idiot manufacturing a 'healthy food' includes Aspartame? There are an unbelievable number of complaints that this stuff is suspected of (See http://www.jaydax.co.uk/imho/aspartame.htm)

Now if Damnone (oops sorry - Danone) can make such a blunder what about their other claims?

'Did you know 56% of healthy women report that they experience digestive discomfort from time to time?' - What an astonishing statistic. I wonder where they got it from. I suspect probably out of the air since I'm pretty certain that 100% of people - male or female, would admit to having digestive discomfort at some time in their life.

'Contains the unique live culture BIFIDUS ACTIREGULARIS®' - Now just what does that mean? First 'unique' is defined as being 'the only one of its kind'. Danone - I've news for you - it's a bacteria and there are billions of them! Maybe Danone have a unique strain of this bacteria? Nope - it seems to be Bifidobacterium animalis subsp. animalis, strain DN-173 010 That's a bacteria commonly found in animal bowels and by no means unique. Danone have given it a new (and unofficial) name, BIFIDUS ACTIREGULARIS® and trade marked it. Hey - what a brilliant idea. If we all do that no one will know that this common bacteria is in no way special.

'82% of people with digestive discomfort said they felt better after eating ACTIVIA' - Err - How long after? Would they have felt better after a few hours anyway? Did they attribute feeling better to eating ACTIVIA - you didn't say!

'It tastes fantastic too' - Nope - it used to taste OK but you ruined it by putting artificial sweeteners in, giving it a lingering after taste.

So why did they add this rubbish? Maybe it's one of these reasons:

• Artificial sweeteners are cheaper than sugar so you can make more profit. In fact Aspartame seems to work out as being 1/2000th the cost of the sugar required for equal sweetness
  
• You can claim it's less fattening.
• Less sugar means less tooth decay (We'll just choose to ignore the tooth eating acid in the yogurt and fruit)
• This paticular sweetner has a reputation of producing a craving for more. That means that instead of eating one pot you might eat two. That of course would increase the product's sales. Danone wouldn't do that... would they?

Guess what? Danone just lost another customer for this product.

Postscript

Now for the positive side of Danone's yoghurt. In December my family adopted a kitten found abandoned on a farm. He was such a sweet thing and so friendly we couldn't understand why anyone would abandon him at about 7 weeks old. When we got him home we discovered his awful secret. To put it bluntly his farts smelt awful and he did lots of them!

We wormed him and gave him a kitten diet of 'Science Plan'. No improvement. Then I had an idea and gave him about a teaspoon of Danone 'Bifidus Actiregularis®' yoghurt. Displaying a good deal more sense than many humans he wouldn't touch the Aspartame sweetened version but really enjoyed the other versions. His smelly farts quickly disappeared.

So if you have a problem with smelly farts from your pet (or maybe yourself) just add Danone yoghurt to your diet for a while.

BT's Important Messages

A couple of days ago I got a letter from BT marked 'Important documents inside - Not a circular.'
"Must be a bill" I thought and opened it. Sure enough it was a bill from BT Mobile. I looked at the amount due - £0.00
"Wow - that is important" I thought "Better send them a cheque and ask for a receipt."
Just as I was about to write a cheque for 'Zero pounds and no pence,' I saw the bit at the bottom which told me I need take no action since the amount would be collected by direct debit. What a shame - I was really looking forward to getting that receipt.

I didn't think BT could top that 'Important letter' but today I got another one!
This time the 'Important documents inside' told me that I need do nothing to continue to have unlimited evening and weekend calls at no extra cost BUT if I was not happy with this I could cancel the offer by calling 0800 345 7309 and then pay at the normal price of £2.65 per month for my unlimited evening and weekend calls.

Huh! I bet that number gets inundated with people calling to pay extra for those free calls!

Well Mr Nigel Stagg, Managing Director of BT's Customer Service, I bet you win the prize for the year's most pointless letter - Unless my readers out there know of a worse 'Important documents inside' letter.

Aaagh! Spam!

Just 27 minutes into 2009 I got sent my first spam e-mail of the year - from someone signing herself as Beverly and who suggested I go to her website for 'all kinds of medicines'.
It was quickly followed by more and by the end of the day I had 131 spam e-mails in my 'Junk' folder. Now that's a record! Not because of what you think - it's a record because that was the fewest spam e-mails I've had for a very long time! On average I get just under 500 spam e-mails a day.

Now at this point I have to point out that my e-mail filters will automatically delete any message which comes from someone I don't know and which contains certain words such as Viagra, tobacco, degree, bank, 'you have won', or which claim to have been sent from me to myself. The spam mail I'm talking about slipped through the filters.

Looking back at the January 1st spams I find:
40 spams offering me medications - mostly Viagra or slimming pills
29 offering to enlarge my penis
22 offering to sell me a (mostly fake) watch
14 offering me a (fake) degree or diploma
6 offering software
5 inviting me to gamble
4 invitations to online dating services
2 messages attempting to get me to check my password details at a bank account
1 each of messages offering clothes, mobile phone games and fake jobs
1 lottery winner prize
1 invitation to sponsor the next international tennis match
1 botnet test
1 offer to increase my breast size (and it was addressed to 'John'!)
and a spam from Sony about Playstation games (I distinctly remember un-ticking that box 'Do you want to receive...')

Now let's take a closer look at these:

First there must be a great many STUPID people out there on Internet! Now I know from my own experience that there are really two species of 'man' on this planet. Homo Sapiens (That's Latin for thinking or wise man) and just 'Homo'; but really! You have to be a total moron to believe that you can get a better deal buying prescription medicines from a spammer than through your doctor and a pharmacy. Haven't the people who fall for this heard of fake, dangerous drugs and credit card fraud?

How about the 'penile enlargement' ones? Would you honestly trust your member to a doctor promoted by spam? How about trusting it to someone who is not a doctor? Get real folks and for your information after a great deal of research I can tell you that the average size of a fully erect penis is 5¼ inches.(about 40% are now saying 'Phew'; 20% are going for a tape measure; 5% are thinking 'I'm deformed' and those suffering from a diphallic condition - go look it up - are wondering 'which one').

How about those watches? Yeah right - you expect to buy a Rolex for $5.00 or a Cartier for $6.00. IT'S FAKE! Not only that but it looks fake! If you want one - buy it at your local street market where you can see what you are buying and... offer less. It often works (which is more than can be guaranteed by the one you buy through spam).

Fake degrees. Do they actually work? Is any employer really daft enough to employ someone on the basis of a certificate from a university they have never heard about? If you really want a fancy bit of paper - design and print it yourself - that's even cheaper.

How about that software? If you want a full copy of MS Office for $12 and expect to buy it on-line I've got news for you - It's a pirate! If you're going to get a pirate copy of software you might as well go the full hog and get it free from Internet instead. If piracy worries you - it should - then get Open Office from www.openoffice.org which is MS Office compatible and free!

Dating sites? There are lots of chat sites on the net which are free, so why bother to pay for the ones that are not free?

Gambling? You really want to trust a site promoted by spam with your credit card numbers? You really think you will honestly win?

As for anyone who falls for the bank phishing scams - well someone so stupid does not deserve to have money! Just remember - Banks NEVER ask you to check your details online. They ALLWAYS suggest you type in their URL rather than follow a link and GOOD up-to-date browsers will warn you if that link is bogus.

Mr 'buy my games/ringtones' obviously hopes you are not aware of all the free games available or the free software (audacity) which allows you to make your own ringtones. He hopes you'll give him that crucial credit card number so he can take regular small amounts from it before you remember to cancel it or even worse - educate you about identity theft the hard way.

As for the rest - I buy my clothes where I can try them on; have lost faith in the $200 for 3 hours work a week; don't mind if the guy who tells me to claim my lottery win keeps it himself; find tennis boring and definitely don't want bigger breasts!

I'm not going to fall for any of these but it just takes one in a million to buy from a spammer to make it worth his/her while and as a result I get about 175,000 spam e-mails in my inbox each year. Now at say half a second to check each that means I spend a full day of my time deleting the stuff each year. Since I value my time as wasted if I don't make £27 per hour that means spam is currently costing me £648 per year! I OBJECT!

The first spam e-mail was sent on 2nd May 1978 by a guy called Gary Thuerk working for DEC. It was sent to 393 users of Arpanet (the forerunner of Internet). Since then spam has grown a little. more than 90% of all e-mail traffic is spam! It uses our bandwidth, slowing down our connection and costs us all money.

Now as of June 2008 there were 1.46 billion Internet users in the world and if just one in a thousand has the same level of spam and charges a tenth of my price for their time then that means spammers are stealing £94,000,000 ($138,000,000 US) from us per year! This is a MAJOR crime!

So what happens when a spammer is caught? Well here in the UK you could be fined £5,000 but the greatest fine so far has been nowhere near that!

Now what sort of punishment would be sensible for stealing £94 million and annoying 1.46 billion people? How about we bring back hanging for it?